I’m an Addict

I have caught myself in bad behavior. I don’t feel bad.  At least, I thought I didn’t. In fact, my circumstances are pretty great!

I have just come off of a week of reintegration with my 17yo foster daughter that went fantastically.  I had a great month where I accomplished quarter’s worth of sales productivity.  I have some new & energizing collaborations with work.  I have defined a road map for my technology.  My family just went on a short national parks trip.  I am killing it at life!

But my behavior is telling a different story.  Yesterday

I had a cocktail.  Then another.

I had a cookie.  Then another.

I zoned out on my phone for an hour.  Then another.

I watched a show.  Then another.

Today’s caloric and time regret clued me it that I did not partake in those things for pleasure but out of compulsion.  History tells me that when I behave compulsively it is me running from something that hurts. 

So here I am even in this moment desiring to numb out and to behave compulsively. And I am not even sure why. And more so, I don’t want to know why.  I do not want to discover the pain that is driving my flight from reality.  Because it will hurt.

My response to flight is to sit in the discomfort with equanimity.  I don’t call the pain good or bad, it just is.  In that acknowledgement, I can make room for the healing.  

But I’m not quite to the equanimity part of this process.  

I want to desire to be surrendered to God, forgoing compulsion as an act of worship.  But I don’t desire it yet.  My journey towards the equanimity continues.

Beloved friends, what should be our proper response to God’s marvelous mercies? I encourage you to surrender yourselves to God to be his sacred, living sacrifices. And live in holiness, experiencing all that delights his heart. For this becomes your genuine expression of worship.

Roman 12:1 TPT

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