I have a panic that explodes out of a building anxiety, that once the unconscious restraint has been breached, cannot be kept from erupting. It spews, mostly at my husband, but at everyone in its path. My children are the innocent victims. I only say that because I still want to blame my husband. At its root, it’s me looking to pile some of my shame on him. My shame says that I’m not enough. I should be able to do this. No one helps me. I’m all alone. I cannot do it. I am going to fail. I am forgotten, unacknowledged, unsupported, and not worth contribution or investment. With those records playing in my head I begin laying a foundation for an assault against anyone I think is deserving.
I launched an attack yesterday night. The bikes in the driveway with fresh laden snow were the straw that broke the camel’s back. No one helps. No one takes care of anything. I am alone keeping us from living like homeless hoarders in this house. It was what made me see everything that wasn’t getting done. It was what made me see only my lack, nothing of the bounty I live in every day, all day.
As we stepped into the volatility of my emotional life, my husband- oh so generously- like a good recovering codependent would offered me that he can tell when I have an explosion building. He cannot ever do enough, be enough, say enough to satisfy me. I “will always exact my pound of flesh” for the areas of our life where I bear the preponderance of a burden, that going through my fire drills of resetting expectations is ‘exhausting’, and I do it every 6 to 8 weeks.
In the worst of these moments, I’m an emotional bully, a terrorizer, and a tornado that tears through relationships, unsatisfied until everyone is tearful and repentant. This is not the kind of woman, wife nor mother that I want to be.
This morning as I read in Psalm 31 I am meditating on verses 4-5:
Free me from hidden traps;
I want to hide in you.
I’ve put my life in your hands.
You won’t drop me,
you’ll never let me down.
I am practicing yes to repenting. Because I’ll be doing that with my people today. I am practicing yes to believing the truth that God will free me from the hidden traps inside myself. I can hide in Him. I can be fully surrendered in Him because He won’t drop me or let me down. He never has.