I’ve been trying to think new thoughts. Maybe I’ve been forced to think new thoughts after a year of not doing so. I remember when the sale closed on my agency, I felt like I had no value in the world now that I wasn’t serving families or caring for a generation of our city’s children. Beautifully, the mission to care for and invest well in our community’s children lives on in the new owner, but my role in curating great childcare had ended. The first project of my marriage, our metaphorical first child, had left the nest. I felt lost; even worthless.
I dug out of that pit and focused on creating momentum in another entrepreneurial endeavor. Looking back I’m not sure if licensing software or foster parenting two children was the entrepreneurial endeavor. Trauma. Technology. Trauma. Technology.
I’ve had a reckoning on both fronts. My foster children have moved on to other homes and we are not receiving any more in at the moment. We are recovering. I am also realizing selling software on my own is not what I had hoped. So I am evaluating other career opportunities in pursuit for a deep yearning for a team and realizing my potential outside of solopreneurship.
I am at a loss for what words to use for my skills and talents. Do I even have skills and talents? Am I of use for anything outside of dreaming up ideas and taking them to market to find out I tire of them after a few years? What job titles even fit my experience? Do I offer any value in this world?
It was in the terror and pervasive inadequacy of those questions that I realize I have ingested the poison common to many American women. I don’t need anyone to oppress me or reinforce my lack of value in the marketplace. I have created my own glass ceiling to bump up against. No need for external forces to do so.
I could use the hubris of a condescending, obnoxious man in moments like this. So instead of seeking a counterfeit confidence, I’ll seek something true from a trusted source.
Good friend, don’t forget all I’ve taught you; take to heart my commands. They’ll help you live a long, long time, a long life lived full and well. Don’t lose your grip on Love and Loyalty. Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart. Earn a reputation for living well in God’s eyes and the eyes of the people. Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. -Proverbs 3, The Message
So instead of freaking out over having no future or lacking all the potential, I’m going to dwell in the truth that I don’t need to figure everything out on my own. My job in this crisis point (yes, I’m calling it that) is to trust God from the bottom of my heart. I will listen for His voice in everything I do. I will run to Him.